Today I wanted to share one of the most difficult stories with you that I've personally ever experienced, as a mother. It is something that still gives me vivid flashbacks that play like awful movies in your mind, which are difficult to shut off... But I have to shut them off because they literally make my stomach turn and tears well up in my eyes.
It was October, 2014. We had just moved, 5 months prior, into this crazy ride of a major fixer-upper. Sean, my husband, was extremely busy providing for our family working a full-time job and 2 smaller part-time jobs. I was homeschooling our two older children and nannying for two beautiful little sweethearts.
It was just about time for the children I nanny'd for to be picked up for the day and for Sean to head off to teach class. It all grows really dim after that but mostly what I remember is trying to help see the kids to their moms car and behind me hearing our very heavy front door slam but not shut and then our daughter Sadie let out a scream. Then another try (even typing this is so difficult for me because it all comes flooding back) but my husband did not know why the door would not close so he tried to push it again and Sadie let out another scream this one was much worse then even the first.
I tried to be calm due to all the children around and at first I did not realize at all the extent of the injury. I wanted to believe it would just be an awful pinch... When she removed her hand from covering the pointer finger on her right hand I almost passed out on the spot. Her fingertip, from the nail bed, was dangling by a small thread of skin along the bottom of her finger. I remember somehow ending up with a paper towel to hold it on. I remember screaming a lot. I remember screaming bad words, words I do not usually say. I remember telling Seana and Joeby to go to the neighbors house and wait for their grandparents, that we would call them to come get them. I remember Sadie wincing and screaming and crying at every bump, every movement, every scream we also let out...
I was so angry.
I was angry that this precious, beautiful, immensely kind-hearted and compassionate little girl was having to experience such a traumatic and gruesome and painful injury. I was really scared. I was scared knowing this was not going to get better before it got worse. Because sadly, ironically I had already been through this almost exact scenario. When I was around 9 or 10 years old my baby brother lost the tip of his finger in an interior door. We were simply playing tag. It was an accident. As was Sadie's, she was simply seeing her friends and father off. And, I knew it broke her fathers heart that he was ultimately responsible for this accident. Now in my brothers story, there were several surgeries and still major malformations and pain and difficulty with the nail re-growth. I did NOT want that to be our sweet little Sadie's outcome.
After we arrived at the hospital, the check in clerk had to check Sadie's finger. The ER nurse had to check Sadie's finger. The new ER nurse had to check Sadie's finger. The X-Ray tech had to check Sadie's finger. And the final ER doctor that did the surgery had to check her finger. And each time I had to remove the paper towel she let out a scream and cried and begged me to "Put it back on Mommy, please mommy!!!" And each time the tip would fall and dangle. Oh goodness I thought I was going to pass out. I thought I was going to throw up. I felt like I wanted to scream or hit something I was so angry she was going through this. I've always called Sadie my Sweety May... She is the rainbow after our storm. She's the baby we prayed and prayed for. Praying that she would have health and safety, because after losing our second baby, we longed for this little miracle to be happily in our arms. She is the little girl who thinks of others before herself, always. The little girl whose smile can light up a room and who laughs and loves and cares. Why her?
So, we prayed and prayed and prayed. I begged God for help! I begged God to help my baby girl through this. I felt like this was NOT Gods plan, that this was sheer evil and attack from the adversary. That disgusting enemy he comes to steal, kill and destroy and he was trying to destroy my precious, gentle little girl in those moments and create fear and cause havoc.
I wanted Sadie to be able to have something like twilight sleep for the re-attachment surgery... The hospital we went to had nurses that made me feel like the most horrible mother for wanting that because it had "too many risks". I still greatly question my mothering in those moments. I wanted a second opinion, but time was of the essence to do the surgery, and I was being pressured. So I caved in and allowed them to keep her awake and simply put nerve blocks into her poor beautiful little finger. I will never be able to erase from my mind the horrendous memory of the terrified and torturous look in her face as she screamed the most blood curdling screams you could imagine each of SEVERAL nerve blocks they gave her. I remember trying so hard to muster my strength to be strong for her, but I hated every moment of that experience. I wish so badly I could get rid of the nightmares it gives me to this day. After the doctor repaired her finger, she described the injury and possible healing outcomes to us. She told us that due to the fact that Sadie had lost her finger right along the nail bed that reattaching it may not have been successful at saving the nail, but that hopefully at least the finger tip would be saved. She said we may have to follow-up with plastic surgeries or later repair to work on the nail bed if it becomes deformed or chronically painful.
Sadie's finger hurt her SO bad, so for about the first week, while it was bandaged carefully inside a finger splint, I held it up for her on a pillow. Oh so very cautiously , I held it and she slept (or tried to) in bed with us. She was having so much pain and flashbacks and fears that she was struggling to fall asleep until very late each night. And after the first week of agony, we knew she would still have more nightmarish pain to face when the stitches would need to be removed. Two were removed and she was in agony (and traumatized by her nerve block experience). After some discussion, we waited another couple days for the final stitches to be removed.
During this trial we had a band of prayer warriors standing by our side, our friends and family. And I remember one special evening in particular, when the worship team spent time praying for my precious little girls finger to heal properly. The specific prayer was that the nail bed would heal properly and not fall off or be distorted. And, that it would have no signs it ever even was injured at all, so she could paint all ten of her little nails like little girls often like to do without any embarrassment or pain and just to glorify God for His healing and redemption in the situation!
I always love when God not only answers prayers but literally answers prayers EXACTLY! And that hit me very powerfully when only a few months later, we painted all ten of Sadie's sweet little fingers.... And you could barely see any sign of which nail was injured. PRAISE GOD!
Top left is the finger tip with all stitches (I believe there were about 6 in all) still in. The top right shows how closely her finger tip came to being completely detached. Next picture clockwise shows how it scathed right beneath the nail bed. And the final picture (bottom left) shows our direct answer to prayer and literally can barely see any scarring! Nowadays Sadie has trouble even remembering correctly half the time which finger really is her "boo-boo finger". Praise Jesus!
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